Terryl's Troubles: Mother, May I?

My mother was an extraordinary woman. I could write endlessly on my mother and give countless examples of how she fit this bill. I don’t think Mama set out to be extraordinary and I don’t believe “being extraordinary” was important to her. I don’t believe she cared if she was remembered for being the only woman in Southwest Virginia in the 1980’s to fly an ultra-light aircraft or the only woman in our area to have travelled to every continent. She already knew she was special; she didn’t need applause. My mother was self-confident – just ask my Dad!

I think a lot of women look forward to Mother’s Day because of the validation that they get on that day. My mother never needed it. I believe she thought Mother’s Day was contrived out of commercialism, something she wanted no part of. She was a good mom, knew it, and didn’t need flowers, gifts, or sappy greeting cards to tell her this.

Recently, I asked a group of women to respond to the following question: “How do you feel your mother helped/hurt you in becoming self-confident?” All of the responders praised their moms for getting them involved in academics and activities, encouraging them, and giving them positive messages. What was revealing were the responses that I got about how their moms might have hurt their self-confidence. Most of the comments had the same theme: their mothers didn’t like themselves. One young woman who responded gave her mother very high praise for always giving her positive messages. Then she added,

“The only way she has hurt me is by observing how she views and talks about herself. She puts her appearance down a lot and is basically incapable of taking a compliment.”

Ouch! No matter what we do to build up our daughters, it can be undone by putting ourselves down. If you’re like me, you’d hate to think that you spent hours driving your daughter to dance, piano, or karate, just to spoil it all because you forgot to show how much you loved yourself! We keep forgetting the most important thing… Children will do as we do, not as we say.

My mother gave me self-confidence by the way she responded to me and, also, by the way she responded to herself. I didn’t have to be perfect to be loveable and neither did she. I was lucky to have a mom like her.

Daughters… Are you doomed to a life of self-hatred if your mom hates herself? No. My grandmother had apparently given my mother the message that she wasn’t pretty because she was freckled. Mama said that one day she looked in the mirror, decided her mother was wrong, and said to her reflection, “You’re pretty.” You can start loving yourself anytime you want to. What’s stopping you?

Mothers… Is your daughter doomed to live a life of self-hatred just because you have? No! You might not be able to change your attitude towards yourself but you can change your behavior. Here are some things you can try:

1. Stand in front of a mirror with your daughter and tell your daughter all the wonderful things you see about yourself. You’re being a role model by showing your daughter that it is a good thing to admire your own qualities. When you’re finished, tell her that it is her turn. After that, just have fun saying wonderful things about each other!

2. Sit with your daughter and play a game where you give each other compliments. The only rule in this game is that no one can deny a compliment. Once the compliment is given, you may only say, “Thank you.”

3. Play the “Okay, So What?” game. Player 1 names an imperfection. Player 2 is to respond with, “Okay. So what?” In this game, you must not discuss how you plan to fix your imperfections! It should go like this:

· Mother: My feet are wide.

· Daughter: Okay. So, what?

· Mother: That’s right… so what?

(Now, swap turns.)

Maybe by doing these games with your daughter, you will help yourself as much as you help her. But in the meantime, you will be modeling self-love and acceptance for your daughter.

“Mother, may I love myself?”

“Yes, Daughter, you may.”