I Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way

The summer before my son, Jacob, became a senior, he and I packed up my Volkswagen Beetle with camping gear and headed out on a 20 day cross country road trip.  We traveled through 20+ states, visited the Rocky Mountains, Mount Rushmore, Devil’s Tower, Yellowstone, Zion National Park, Las Vegas, the Grand Canyon, and Mesa Verde… even a little place in Nebraska called Car-Henge.  We had a plan:  camp as much as possible, see as much as possible, have a great time, and get the most bang for our buck.  This was in 2001, and we managed to spend less than an average of $75 per day on gas, sleeping, eating, and doing cool stuff.   I had $1500 budgeted for the trip and, despite having to replace a camera, we came back with some of that cash.  We even managed to listen to Jacob’s entire summer reading list on tape while driving.  MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.   

All the places we went, all the people we met… and we were still the only traveling mother-son combo out there.  I wasn’t surprised and, yet…I was, because we did meet lots of fathers and sons.  So… what’s the big deal about mothers and sons doing things together? 

I did not go see The Guilt Trip (2012, comedy) and it might have been a wonderful movie.  However, I was opposed to seeing it just because it bothered me that the mother used guilt as a way to spend time with her son.  I take spending time with my son just as seriously as I take spending time with my daughter.  This motherhood gig:  it’s important work!  Once you’re a mother, there is no quitting, resigning, or retiring. 

 

“A daughter’s a daughter for all her life.

A son’s a son, until he takes a wife.” 

Have you ever heard this old saying?  I’ve heard it a lot and, because I’ve recently been thinking about motherhood, it keeps popping up in my head.  Jacob hasn’t yet “taken a wife” (an expression that implies that he acquires a possession), so perhaps I don’t really have a full handle on the meaning of the saying.  But this I believe:  I’m not losing my son just because he gets married. 

I was out mowing my yard yesterday and, as usual, did a lot of thinking.  Jacob is my go-to guy for all things having to do with home and car maintenance.  When I needed a new mower last year, Jacob went in search of one that would be right for me: self-propelled, easy to start, and easy to maintain.  He taught me how to use it and gave me some tips for cutting my grass.   

I suppose some moms would rather for their son to just come over once a week and mow the yard for them.  I think that is a fine arrangement and works for many people, but it wouldn’t work for us.  One of the many things that my son and I have in common is a very strong need to be independent. When Jacob teaches me to do things for myself, he is showing me respect.   

Okay, so you know I have a point. 

Jacob does not objectify me; I am not merely Mother.  He sees me as a person that just happens to be his mother.  I absolutely am not perfect mother material but I did, accidentally, do some things right. 

·         I let my son see me as strong.  That doesn’t mean that I never crumbled in front of him because I sometimes did.  But he also watched me put myself back together.

·         Instead of trying to control him, I’ve respected him.  This means that I don’t call him out on everything he says or does that I don’t agree with.  His journey is his; I trust his judgment.  You might not agree with this “live and let live” philosophy, but it has worked for us.

·         I got out there and did things with him.  Dads do this with their sons to cement their relationship.  Well, this mom did it, too. 

·         When I ask him for help, I often let him teach me how to help myself.  Who wants to be a burden on their children?  Not me.  Who wants their son to learn that women can’t do this or that?  Uh… not me! 

I recognize that it can’t always be easy to have a mother who is so upfront and out there.  Recently, I hugged Jacob and told him that I was sorry he had such an independent, feminist mother. 

He said, “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

We even used to work in the same school system!