What are Terryl's Troubles?

I’ve been recently inspired to write by various things.  After my mother died, my father found some of her writings.  They are precious and somewhat painful to read because her voice is so clear and the grief I feel over her death is still too fresh.  My father has also been doing a lot of writing recently in an effort to preserve the history of his family and his generation.  I found the honesty of his writing to be inspirational.  I also recently read The Women Who Broke All the Rules, which is a scholarly book about the particular struggles of the women of the baby boomer generation.  These events have made me think about the differences between my parents’ generation and mine; in particular, how it relates to the condition of being female.

Although the title would seem to suggest otherwise, I have a positive attitude about my life and do not believe that it has been unusually troublesome.  I do recognize, however, that my life is extraordinarily different from that of my mother.  When I was growing up I fully expected to have a life like my mother’s.  I believed that I would go to college, marry, teach, buy a house, raise a family, and enjoy grandchildren.  I never imagined that my life would include five homes, four marriages, and three husbands!  What strikes me is that while my mother’s story was not uncommon to her generation, neither is my story uncommon from many women from my generation.  It is my hope that readers will come to understand the title that I’ve chosen as a way to salute both my parents and myself. 

Just yesterday, a friend commented to my husband that he had never met a woman like me.  He mentioned how unusual it was (“especially in this area”) to find a woman so open and direct, independent, and adventurous.  As proud as I am of these comments, I have to honestly say that these are not qualities that most people truly admire in a woman.  Whereas I am glad I possess them, they have definitely given me a great deal of trouble!

I am proud to be a feminist and I don’t understand why anyone would deflect that title.  My father was the first feminist that I ever met and my husband, James, is the truest feminist that I have ever met.  Most of what I have learned about independence, I have learned from men.  Most of the women in my life have only tried to teach or help me to conform.  I’ve had so much advice from women on fashion, diet, make-up, childrearing, household chores, cooking, manners, and how to manipulate men, that I am a walking encyclopedia on these topics.  There have been periods of time in my life where I was interested in these things, but none of it ever lasted very long.  To be an independent woman, you need to know the things that men are taught:  how to fix things, operate machinery, maintain your car and home, manage your finances and business, and how to balance work and family without expecting yourself to be Supermom or Super Dad.  One of the most important lessons that you can learn from men is how to find the courage to do and be what you want.

Last year at the age of 52, I began racing karts for the first time.  One evening at the track I looked around and noticed there were several people helping me and all of them were men.  My husband, James, bought me my first racing suit, neck guard, and kart.  He introduced me to the sport and encouraged me when I felt nervous.  My son bought me my first helmet.  Our pit boss, Stevie, helps me with everything to do with my kart and my racing.  I have never been talked down to at the track or put on any type of pedestal.  Every man there assumes that I can learn about the karts just like anyone else.  When the Women’s Class was introduced for the first time at our home track, I told Stevie that I felt the term “Powder Puff” was demeaning.  Without blinking an eye, Stevie announced that from then on it would be called the Women’s Class.  A young boy asked him later why they weren’t calling it Powder Puff.  Stevie told the little boy that Powder Puff was the old term and that it was disrespectful.  (Note: no one has told me that I cannot race with the men; I’ve chosen not to until I feel I am fast enough not to be dangerous to the other racers.)

Driving a kart is not a big thing.  Danika Patrick drives for NASCAR, we have female astronauts, and females in the military.  However, for little girls and young women that I see at the track, I represent the embodiment of possibility for any female, even the ones who do not seem athletic.  I’m female, plump, and 53! There is actually a little girl, slightly overweight, who comes to the track just to watch me race.   I always take time to talk to her because I want her to know that I am ordinary and I hope she learns that you don’t have to be superwoman to try something different.

Young girls are now raised being told, “You can do anything you want to do.”  Greater strides will be made, however, when girls see women actually doing what they want to do.  Women need to speak up, step up, and “man up.”  Freedom has its price and we cannot continue as a gender to want it both ways.  You don’t have to burn your bra, but you might want to reconsider cheerleading and beauty pageants as a way to help your daughter gain self-confidence.

So mine is the story of an ordinary woman who stepped outside of the box just a little.  I didn’t make great strides for women everywhere, but perhaps the tiny steps I have made will broaden the path for others.  My mother was fond of saying, “Many hands make light work.”  The tiny steps of a generation of women can broaden the path of those that come behind us.  Those tiny steps need to be moving forward; we cannot move ahead as long as we march in place or slip backwards.